Way Back Day

I was going through old photos on my parents computer and came across this one....









I was trying to get the kids but my parents dog Boomer decided HEY I want to be in the pic!!! HAHA I just busted out laughing when I saw this pic!!

NEW BLOG!!!

I have started a new blog for myself. It is going to be all about my ups and downs with my new journey to losing weight, excising more, and training for a 13.1 mile run in Oct 2009. For the first time I am not going to pull anymore punches with myself. If I cant be honest with myself anymore then who can I be honest with. I decided to do this new blog so everyone can see where I am at and so that I can also look back on this new path and see just how far I have come. Also so I can see where I have fallen. I want to be encouraged but also told the truth to. No hard feeling only honesty and encouragement!! I am very much looking forward to this new road that I am going to be starting for myself, my husband and my son and all my friends!!


The name of my new blog is:
What Goes Up IS Coming DOWN
http://brittswillpower.blogspot.com/

Way Back....

Wednesday. Ok so maybe it wasn't too way back but it seems like forever ago. Kasen was just turning 3 and Robbie was just turning 1. It is hard to believe that Robbie is now 3 and Kasen is 5. I am just thrown back by this.

Cooking baking with Robbie for School

Tonight Robbie and I baked some cookies for his school!!

Worried

So tomorrow (Monday) I finally get to go into the Doc's and start my process of trying to find out why Rob and I have not and can not for the life of us get pregnant. We have been fighting tooth and nail for about 6-8 months now to get an apt like this. You see in the military I cant just call and say I would like to see this kind of doctor for this kind of problem. I have to go from one doctor to the next to see if the can fix my problem. But you see the problem is, is one doctor to the next doesn't feel like putting the time and the effort into someone who has a problem who would take them more the 10 mins to try and fix so they tell you to wait a few more months and make another apt. at which time you have to start from the bottom of the latter again. Well I have finally hit a doc who realizes that hey this girl really might have something wrong with her lets get her into a doctor who deals with this kind of stuff and get the ball rolling. So with that said tomorrow morning at 9:30ish (8:30 ish central time) I will be seeing a doctor who specializes in my area of problem. Please pray that everything goes smoothly and that I don't just get passed from one person to the next. That I am dealing with a women. That I don't have an emotional brake down walking trough the doors (this is the same hospital that I went to when everything started with the loss of Joey and I am having a hard time dealing with that in its self right now, for some reason when the holidays come not having Joey around hits me hard). And last but not least that I get some type of answers out of all of this.
Part of me is scared to death that I am going to walk out of there tomorrow and they are going to tell me that Mrs. Razzano you can no longer have kids. Now if that is what it is then that is what it is. Are they going to have answers like that on just the first day I don't know probably not but for some reason that is a HUGE fear of mine. That would crush me and Rob. We both so badly just want to have at least one more kid. We want Robbie to have that little brother or sister that he is always asking for now (expecally now that he gets a little bit of what happened to Joey). I don't know, now I am rambling. I am putting this in the Lords hands where it was in the first place and trusting him. He has the pen and is writing our life's stories. He is the author of my life NOT me or the Doctors.

Question Of The Day?

How do you keep a 3 year old who has 4 stitches above his right eye to NOT RUN AROUND? Nothing for nothing but I don't mind him running around but now that Robbie has stitches above his eye I am freaking out that he might fall and bust them open or that one of the dogs is going to hit him the wrong way when he is playing with them. WHAT DO I DO????? I DO NOT want to have to see him put into a straight jacket like thing again and numbed and have to have new ones put in. I tell him ALL DAY LONG if you brake them you will have to go through everything ALL OVER AGAIN, but it just doesn't fase him and he keeps going back to what he was doing before..... What am I to do?

A little update

Well we are finally starting to settle a little bit more into our new house but still have a VERY long way to go with all the unpacking! A little up date on what has been going on here, Robbie started his very first day of preschool yesterday and LOVES it. He actually looks forward to going to bed now so he can get up and go to "cool" (school) the next morning. I don't know what I am going to do when Saturday and Sunday roll around! I on the other hand am at a complete loss from 9am till 12:30pm (the hours that he is in school). For right now I am using it as some much lets get some unpacking done time. Today I went to the doctor. Rob and I have decided that we have been trying for a year and a half now to get pregnant and it is NOT happing (even trying EVERYTHING under the sun to do so) so I am going to go and see a specialist to see if there is something wrong with me. So if you could all be in prayer for that. I don't have an apt for that right now, I have to wait 48 hours from today to call and make that apt. I am hoping that I can get seen or the ball rolling at least before we leave for IL for Christmas vacation. Other then that we have just been enjoying our new house very much!! I will have some pics up soon of the new place after I have time to put some stuff up on our walls!! and it isn't so messy with all the stuff of being unpacked!

Welcome home

Ok well I am back!! I am FINALY in my new house (the one that I have posted about) and am LOVING every min of it (Ok except the every min of unpacking). It is good to be back up and running again!! Hopefully NO MORE MOVES for at least another 3 to 9 years!! So if ya'll would like somewhere to come and visit there is more then enough room here at the Razzano's Inn!! HAHA. Hope everyone had a VERY good Thanksgiving and LOTS of fun shoping for Christmas!! NOW we can get into the Christmas mood!!

I AM READY ALREADY

It seems like forever ago that we singed the papers to put a bid in on our new house. In 7 days we will be new home owners again. I CANT wait for this. I am to the point of BURSTING to be able to get into my OWN house. I just want my own kitchen back with my own cooking stuff. My own bed room with my own bed. For Robbie to have his own bed with his own room and with his own toys to play with. I am ready to just be able to walk through the door of my own house at night. And last but not least I am ready to be able to have my own routine of doing things back. So here is to 7 days and counting. Well maybe we will just say 6 because today is almost over! Also Robbie is officially going to be starting school on Dec 1st! YEAAAHH He is so excited to be doing this and I myself will be starting as a part time student going 5 days a week starting Jan 12th!! We will all be pretty busy come Jan but it will all be worth it!! I cant wait to start our own routines!! I am learning that I am a routine type of person and this is all really starting to get to me:P

RIP Blooper

...... Today our beloved fish blooper has kicked the bucket. I don't know how to tell Robbie this because he got the fish because he was a VERY good boy one weekend and this was his reward for being SO GOOD. I don't want him to think that since his fish died that it was some type of punishment to him for some reason. So to you blooper I hope you are happy in fishy heaven. Blooper lived through several water changes, Robbie feeding him a BRAND new jar of fish flakes, a move from FL to VA and while making that move Robbie broke his little travel house and so we had to make him a new house out of a soda bottle, and finally blooper survived a leap out of his water bowel from the kitchen counter to kitchen floor and flopped around till Robbie found him and thought that he was a spider on the kitchen floor (this was about a week and a half ago so no this was not the cause of bloopers death). The cause of death is due to the fact of water bowl cleaning and he did not like the water because my friend cleaned her fishes bowl yesterday too and ummm... yep you guessed it we have 2 dead fisheys on our hands and 2 kids to brake the very sad news too. Well I don't know if it is so much sad news to my friend but to me it was kinda sad. Blooper was the kind of fish who got REALLY excited when you came to his bowl he was a happy fish from what I could tell. Oh well what are you going to do? So I think that after the Holidays when we are back home and we can take care of our fishey we will get a new one (Give us a little bit of time to remember Blooper) hehe.

Christmas?

Ok So we have been going to the mall a lot lately and I have noticed here and there that some stores are decorating for Christmas earlier then usual. Well last night I made a VERY late trip to Walmart and while there I noticed that I was singing along to a Christmas song. I stoped dead in my tracks and said to myself " I haven't even eaten Thanksgiving dinner yet" I think it is REALLY sad that it seems like we are just by passing Thanksgiving to get right to a "money spending" Holiday. I think stores are just getting everyone in the mood of Christmas so that they start spending money sooner. I m sorry but I just CAN NOT get into the mood of Christmas till at least the day after Thanksgiving. Is anyone else noticing this? And if you are does it bother you?

Welcome Home

I am proud to say that we got the house!!! We are SO EXCITED!! This ALL is truly an answered prayer!! With what we walked away with and how much we spent, I REALLY FEEL Blessed. We make our last a final move (so Hollie maybe you can put our address in ink HAHA) on November 25th for at least 3-4 years!!! I cant wait to be in the same house and not have to worry about where we are going to be moving to next. Also there is a chance that we could just stick out the rest of Rob's carrier here, EVEN BETTER!!

I dont know why one of the pics is small and the other is big but hey you get the pic!!

Long Coming.....

I know that it has been a VERY long time since I have posted but we dont have our own computer right nw and I dont have much to write about other then HOUSE HUNTING. Well that is what we have been doing for 3 days straight. Well HOPEFULLY it will ALL come to an end tomorrow. We are going to look at a house tomorrow that we are liking VERY MUCH. PLEASE pray that we do get this house (provided that we like it we have only seen the outside and pics of the inside). Lets just say we would be walking into this house with about $100,000 in equity!! The city appraises it at over $400,000 and the lady is wanting $349,000 for it but will take $299,000 for it!!! WE ARE SO EXCITED. Just pray that if this is the house for us that it will be shown tomorrow morning at 8 am!! here are a few pics of the place

Some other things that we have been up to are just catching up with some friends that we havent seen in a while and Robbie trick or treating. I have some pics on my phone BUT am still trying to figure this thing out. Robbie was 2 things this year. We started out as a knight and shinning armor but his costume was a little TOO small. So we changed to a fire fighter. He LOVED being a fire fighter. Well till tomorrow I will update on the out come of "our" house.

CHECK THE HALLOWEEN CANDY

Please send this message to everyone you know that has kids who are going to be going out for Halloween! With Halloween fast approaching comes a warning to parents and kids regarding Sherwood brand Pirate's Gold milk chocolate coins imported from China . The Canadian Food Inspection Agency is warning the public not to eat, distribute or sell the candy. It is sold across Canada by Costco and may also have been sold in bulk packages or as individual pieces at various dollar and bulk stores. The chocolate contains melamine which is the same chemical responsible for killing several babies in China , and sickening thousands more. http://www.snopes.com/food/warnings/coins.asp
Sherwood Brands' Pirate's Gold Premium Milk Chocolate Coins

I got this e-mail 3 times today within a half hour. SO with that said I thought that it would be a good idea to maybe put a post out about it too.

Checking Out

So after today I dont know when the next time I will be on here. I am hoping that it is no later then Monday or Tuesday, But we will see. So for now have a good and safe fun weekend and the next time I write to you all I will be in good ol' Virginia Beach VA!!!!! I can not wait to see what this road trip brings. So far it has brought a VERY late start on the packing of the truck, a bed time of 2AM this morning and a rise of 7AM, and a check out process that is taking a little longer then to be expected. So needless to say we are going to get out of here today I just dont know what time that will be. Talk to you all on the other side of the road!!

Pulling Chalks

So after thinking and being told that we will not be leaving till Oct 24th we where just informed this afternoon that we will now be leaving ON FRIDAY!! LOTS to do still but I am really just looking forward to getting to Virginia finally and starting things up there! So if I am not on here for awhile that is because I will be on the road and unpacking and doing all the good stuff that comes with moving!!!

Remember......

Today I remember my baby Joey. I miss him, love him, and want to hold him more then ever especially today. All I have to hold onto are the memories that I have of holding him in my belly. Today I remember and pray for all the family and friends that have lost their babies that are now in the arms of Jesus. That is the BEST place that anyone one especially a baby could be.

Today I am praying for:

Hollie

My mom

Bonnie

Beth

Mindy

If I have forgotten you PLEASE let me know so I can pray for you today too.

Here are the rules:I have to answer the following questions with one word answers and one word only!Then I must pass it on to seven others.The questions are as follows:

1.Where is your cell phone? Missing
2.Where is your significant other? Court
3.Your hair color? Blond
4.Your mother? Loving
5.Your father? Leader
6.Your favorite thing? Family
7.Your dream last night? Nothing
8.Your dream/goal? Motherhood
9.The room you're in? Computer
10.Your hobby? Running
11.Your fear? Loss
12.Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy
13.Where were you last night? Out
14.What you're not? Skiny
15.One of your wish list items? Healthyness
16.Where you grew up? Illinois
17.The last thing you did? Photos
18.What are you wearing? PJ's
19.Your t.v.? On
20.Your pet? 3
21.Your computer? Nice
22.Your mood? Sick
23.Missing someone? Yes
24.Your car? gone
25.Something you're not wearing? Socks
26.Favorite store? Walmart
27.Your summer? Short
28.Love someone? Always
29.Favorite color? Blue
30.Last time you laughed? Yesterday
31.Last time you cried? Saturday

I dont know who else to send this to or ask to do because Steph took all the people I would have sent it too. So I guess I will just read yours.

A Little Bit More Of The Winging

Done And Over With It

The soft patches of all the people winging with Rob

FULL force punch to make sure the soft patch wing is on (Rob has some soreness STILL)

This is the guy who toughed Rob how to fly the helicopter

Well the weekend is done and over with. Rob is winged, family has all gotten home safe and we are now ready to hit the road. The only thing left to do is for Rob to check out of his command and we can hit the road. We are hoping to be gone around Wednesday or Thursday time frame I think. Here are some pics of the weekend.

AND WE ARE MOVING TO?????

NORFOLK VIRGINIA!!! We got our orders yesterday and we got what and where we wanted to go!! I am so excited about this because now I can do my 13.1 mile run with Hollie and Beth (HAHA Hollie cant get out of it now. Unless I get pregnent). I am going to a place that I know with people that I know! And I am going to be 9 hours from Rob's family and still 16 from mine (nothing a day trip cant take care of). I am just SO excited about ALL of this!! WHOO

Almost there!

My house is almost ALL packed up!!! We hit it ALL day yesterday and have the house pretty much done and it all loaded up in the garage onto how we want it stacked in the truck. Now all we have to do is hear the words of where we are going and when we have to be there by and we are out of here. I cant be live that this very well might be our last week in this house. The only things that are left really are the things that we still need and use. I am looking around and it is VERY sad that the things we use and need everyday don't even take up ONE of my bedrooms (and we don't have the biggest sized rooms). It is sad to say that we are going to have to rent a 26 FOOT TRUCK just to get ALL of this stuff from one house to the next. I CANT BELIEVE THAT.
I feel like we just moved into this house. I also think back to it now as to WOW it has now been over a year since I have been back home. I DON'T LIKE THAT (and I m sure Hollie doesn't either). June of 2007 I was leaving IL to come home to a home that I literally didn't know where it was. The only thing I had was the GPS telling me where my house was. And now we are packed up and ready to leave it. Part of me says I CANT WAIT to get out of this town but I have come close to a lot of people down here that I am going to miss them. But hopefully we will be going back to VA and I will be able to be reunited with people that I left up there when we left and be able to reconnect with them!! I am just very much looking forward to seeing where we are going to next!!

I had a girl make this for me that I meat through my friend Mindy (the girl who lost baby Shea). She is making them for anyone who has lost a baby. It is for Oct 15 Infant loss rembrance day. Thank you very much Jessica for making this for me.

Still here.....

With boxes up to my eyeballs. I cant believe how much packing I have gotten done in just today. I CANT WAIT to get out of here. It is pretty funny hearing Robbie tell people that we are leaving this house but we are going to load everything up into a BIG moving truck and hit the road. HAHAA. He really is being a good sport about all of this too. I have packed almost ALL of his toys and at first wasn't to happy about it but once I explained where his new toys where going he was ok with it all!! I will have to take some pics of my garage for you all because it is all lined up as to how we are going to be packing our truck!! Well gonna go pack some more boxes!!! YPEE ONLY 7 MORE DAYS!!! Have I said I CANT WAIT YET?? Now watch us get sent to Japan:P

A little vist to Joey.

Robbie trying to share his Mickey D's toy with Joey. He wanted to leave it there for him to "play with" But that is not allowed where he is buried at.

Robbie was telling his Aunt Beck "SHHHH my lil brother is sleeping we have to be quiet". That was heart braking

I don't know what Robbie was saying but he was just talking away to Joey.

After Robbie gave Joey a hug. He had asked me "mommy can I give my lil brother a hug"? I said "Sure sweetie you can hug him when ever you want to". He looked at me looked at Joey's headstone looked back at me and said "How can I hug him mommy he doesn't have any arms to hug me back"? Let me tell you right there that is when I lost it all. So I told him how bout this you can give Joey a hug on his head stone and I will give you a hug from Joey. He said "ummm... ok mommy but I get to hug him first". So I made sure that when I gave him a hug it was one of the biggest hugs I have EVER given him.

It was a hard day but it was a day that I will never forget. This was the day where Robbie finally put it all together I think about his little brother. We talk about Joey with Robbie and we have shown him the pics that we have of Joey but I think it finally ALL clicked once he saw "where Joey is at". I got to sit down and really explain it ALL to him about how Joey got really sick in mommy's tummy and he is up in heaven now with Jesus. So I think in seeing the head stone something clicked because he is now always asking about Joey.

Up and at it

Well this morning I woke up to not a good morning. I fell asleep in bed with Robbie last night and to my surprise he had taken his nigh night underwear (a pull up) off before he had went to bed. So I got to wake up to be soaked in a pile of COLD WET PEE!!! Whoo nothing like starting your da off like that huhh? So note to self tell Rob I might be a little pissy today (hahaha just kidding). But anyways I got Robbie changed with some nigh night underwear on wiped him all up got him into a different bed and headed into his room (after changing myself and getting cleaned up) to start cleaning his bed with the cleaner. Well while I was sitting there cleaning his bed I was thinking to myself that instead of going back to bed I was going to get up for the day (5:30 am) and go out running. So that is what I did I got my shoes laced them up and got my MP3 player strapped to my arm and just had at it. It felt not so good. It has been a while since I have ran and my lungs just BURNED the whole time. I had to stop once because I started getting light headed but after that I was good to go. It didn't help that when I usually go running I take a bottle of water with me and we don't have any of that right now so I was a little off beat. But other then that I am SO HAPPY that I did it! Once I got done it felt GREAT!! REALLY tired right now but that is because I am ALL off on my sleep schedule due to people being in town for the last week.
So some things I found out that I REALLY HATE when I am running......
1. I HATE the smell of exhaust when people drive by you
2. I HATE the smell of cigarettes when you are running. I mean I hate the smell to begin with but when you running it is 10 times worse to me.
3. I need to change some songs on my MP3 Player because I was all in the mood and then all of a sudden a nice slow sleepy song comes on and throwes me ALL OFF I HATE that. So I guess there is note 2 for myself today... Change MP3 songs.
4. I HATE running in the dark. At least the sun was coming up a little little little bit but it still was very nerve racking.

Ok some of the things I did like
1. I DID IT. I got myself out of bed (kinda) (Thanks Robbie for peeing your bed) and did it!
2. Even though it was an early rise and I m sure I will be paying for it later with being tired and off my game.... I did it... and even though I walked a little bit... I DID IT!!
3. I LOVED being able to get out and go and not have to worry about Robbie wanting to go with me or having to ask Rob hey can you keep an eye on him.
4. I m done... I don't have to get out there again and do it until tomorrow... Unless I go again tonight which I just might do (but I know I will have Robbie if I do it tonight which is ok he LOVES to go supper fast in his stroller!!!)
5. I liked how it was cooler in the morning running then at night.
6. I LOVED how I felt like NO ONE was watching me because they where all in bed them selfs. The only people that wold or could see me where the ones leaving for work. And at that point WHO CARES because it was dark anyways they couldn't see me!!! haha

So I guess the likes and LOVES out weight the I HATES so it looks like I better get my butt back into gear and get a sleep schedule going so I can start waking up at 5:30 every morning!!

Almost 1 mile down and 12.1 more to learning how to run NON STOP!!!!

Oh yeah I am training to do a 13.1 mile run with my Sister and Beth!! I wish I could train with you guys. Oh well hopefully hear soon I will hear the words "We are going to Virginia" So I can go and start training on the real deal!!!

Have a good day all!!

2 years ago today.......

Instead of being able to bring my baby home all wrapped up in a blanket I had to bring what I had from my baby home in a bag. That is one of the worst feelings to come home with is NOTHING. I couldn't stand knowing that I was leaving my baby behind me and going home without him.

When the hospital was discharging me they came in and had given us some remembrance stuff for Joey. They had given us a disk with 3 pics of Joey on it. The cloths and blanket he was laying on in those pics. The tape that they had measured him with, 2 little stones for Rob to put in his pocket or to do with what he wanted (they sit in a little cross box that I got for him with Joey's name engraved on it). They had given Robbie a very little fuzzy bear to remember his little brother by (we are still wanting to put that little bear into a build a bear for him we just found out where one is down here so we are going to go do that sometime this week maybe). And latter found about a couple days after we buried Joey I found a very little ring in his packet and come to find out he was holding that same ring in his pics that they had taken so I now wear that ring around my neck on a special necklas that my mom and dad bought for me to go with a VERY special charm that my mom and dad had made for me with Joey's hand and foot print on it. The hospital had also given us real prints of his hands and feet and also one of those hand casing kits with his hands and feet in them (Lisa my friend had given them that just in case my out come came out the way it did. Which I am VERY grateful she did that). I have also gotten a few things over time from people that are a GREAT remembrance of Joey. So at the end of everyday after I tuck Robbie into bed I go and I have my Joey time. I will still pull out all of his stuff and look at it and have my time "with Joey". I know nothing I can do will ever bring him back but like I have said he is in a MUCH better place right now, and even though I sometimes catch myself thinking "but what place is better then in mommy's arms"? I slap myself out of it and just think of the song Glory Baby.

2 years ago today.........

Was a day that changed my life FOREVER. 2 years ago today I lost my baby boy. I lost a pice of my heart, I lost a pice of me. 2 years ago today instead of crying tears of joy I was crying tears of pain, hurt, sadness and anguish. 2 years ago today instead of holding my baby at night I was dreaming of him in Jesus arms saying to me " Don't worry mommy I m safe now I don't hurt anymore."

2 years ago today started off as an ok day. I had been having a little bit of cramping the night before and the nurse (who I LOVED she was my favorite nurse Moreen) said that it was to be expected so I let it go and slipped back off to sleep. I woke up and so did Rob and he was telling me how he was going to stay and spend the day with me (He had been doing running around during the day because of us just getting there and him having to sign into commands and everything else so he would come back to be during the night). Well the nurse came in and gave me my normal morning meds and did the normal check up on me. It was then that I was informed that I would be having an ultrasound today because they wanted to make sure that (at the time Joeleah that is what I was calling Joey because we had not known if he was a boy or a girl yet) Joey was growing and everything ok, they where also going to check to see if I was regaining any water back around him. Rob and I where SO EXCITED because it was yet again ANOTHER chance to find out if Joeleah was a Joe or a Leah! Well we had woke up about 8 that morning and they said that the ultrasound would be about 2ish. We just sat around that morning and watched movies and visited with some of the nurses. Noon rolls around and the nurse comes in to do another check on me and Joeleah and to give me my afternoon meds. Everything was going good Joeleah was at a strong 160 heart beat!! Well right around 2 like they said they came rolling in with the ultrasound and I light up like a Christmas tree because it was like I said another chance to see my Joeleah and to find out boy or girl. Well at first they couldn't figure out how to get the ultrasound on, so we sat there and waited. Finally they figured it out. They put the jelly on my tummy and put the thingy on my tummy. As soon as they put it on my stomach tears just started rolling down my face. I didn't see the flicker. I saw Joeleah but NO FLICKER. I just looked at Rob as he was holding my hand and he just squeezed it even harder. I said "Where is it? Where is my baby's heart beat?" They said "I don't know mam we are looking for it". Rob kept telling me they will get it babe they will get it. Put the more they kept going around my stomach I knew then and there I had just lost my baby. I had lost the one person I have put the biggest fight up for in my whole life. I had put up such a fight that there is one doc there that probably thought I was a NUT case. It was then that they had turned to me and said "We are sorry Mr. and Mrs. Razzano but we cant find the heart beat". Rob jumped on them and told them to get another machine, a machine that you know how to work. So while they got another machine I had Willy another nurse in there with the heart beat finder looking for any type of movement or heart beat, and he couldn't find anything either. They finally found another more up to date machine and got that one all working put the jelly back on my stomach and went to work trying to find a heart beat again. Nothing. I layed there and felt like I just had my WHOLE world kicked out from underneath me. My whole world just came falling on top of me. Rob just grabbed me and we both just lost it. At that time even though I had done everything I knew I could do I felt like the worlds worst mom. The whole what if's just started flooding my head. I called my mom to tell her the news because she was at my house with Robbie and she too just lost it. I tell you this much though my mom was due to leave the next morning to go back to IL. So the way it worked out was for the best in that aspect of it. I would have not had my mom here if this all happened the next day. My mom came up to the hospital with Robbie. At this time I was allowed to get up and out of bed for the first time in a week and a half. Let me tell you how funny it felt to walk for the first time. At this time I was sitting in the bed and the priest from a hospital that Rob was trying to get me into Sacred Heart came walking into my room with a HUGE smile on his face. He had come to tell us that I had been accepted into this hospital (they don't take anyone under 24 weeks). Well I then asked him if they had gave him the news at the front desk and he had not. He was so upset. He felt so bad here he was able to help us get into a hospital that had Joey been born there they had an awesome NICU. So he said a prayer with us and left. Well after he left I felt like I need some air so the hospital had informed me to take my time do what I felt I needed to do, which was get out of my room for a little bit to kinda clear my head and get some fresh air and to take my first shower in a week and a half. So we all went outside and sat there for about 30 mins or so. We went back into the hospital and I got back up to my room where I was going to take a shower. Well when I went into the bathroom with the shower everyone was in my room. This next part is going to be a little more graphic and I have never shared this with anyone yet other then a few people. So... while I was in the shower I just stood under the water and held my stomach for I knew that when I was done taking this shower I would soon be delivering my baby. So I held my Joeleah as long as I could. Well I proceeded to start washing my hair and then my body. Well as I was washing down there I could feel my little baby's foot starting to come out. I just screamed. I started yelling ROOOOOOBBBBBB.... No answer then MOOOOOOOMMMMMM... No answer so I wrapped myself in a towel and went and go a nurse and said it...it....it I can feel a foot..She said ok sweetie just go lay on the bed I will go and get your husband. Rob then came running through the door, my mom was right behind him. They told me that I could start pushing at any time. They had also given me something to give me contractions. So I started pushing I pushed for about 10 or 15 mins and I felt like I was doing all the work to get the outcome of what?? I am not going to be able to bring my sweet little baby home with me. When I started pushing Robbie was there with my mom. Looking up at him made me hurt so much more. Here he was watching me deliver his little brother or sister and he wasn't ever going to get the chance to grow up with them. Finally Lisa came and picked Robbie up he went and spent the night with her. I was having little progress so they told me to just stop pushing for a little while and let the medicine for the contractions kick in a little bit more and we would go back to pushing in 30 mins. Well with in that 30 mins I was just sitting/laying there and I could feel Joey fall out onto the bed. I looked at the nurse sitting at the end of the bed and said "I think my baby just feel out" He looked and said yes he did. They took him over to the table and wrapped him up in a blanket for us. It was when he handed Joey to us that he told us it was a boy. He was so precious looking. He looked like he was at peace. He had Rob's nose. He looked like he was going to be a spitting image of Robbie. We got to hold him for a while and so did my mom. After they took him away. I don't remember much after that. I remember them changing my sheets for me, and me crawling back into bed to face my first night of not having my baby Joey to hold. I had the hardest time trying to falling asleep that night but when I finally did I had a dream of Joey and he was laying all wrapped up in Jesus arm's and he looked over at me and said " Don't worry mommy I m safe now I don't hurt anymore". With that I felt at some ease.

I melt whenever I think of how it all played out. But at the end of the day Joey knows nothing more then God's love for him. I love my Joey and will always love him. I miss him more and more everyday that goes by, but I know that someday I will be able to hold him again!

Joey was born Sep 22, 2006 at 6:58 pm. He was 27 cm long and 13.5 oz

The funeral

Well yesterday we attended baby Shea's funeral. Let me tell you aside from Joey's funeral that was beyond one of the hardest day's of my life. I never thought that I could feel all the feelings I felt on the day of Joey's funeral again. My heart felt like it had been riped out of my chest stomped on by a million people then picked up riped to shreds then put back into my chest only for it to feel like it is in my stomach. The WHOLE funeral I for the life of me could not let Robbie go. It brought everything right back into prospective. Robbie is my life. I couldn't imagine what my life would be like with out him. I m very thankful that Robbie was very good during this time. Rob, I am so glad that he want with me. I probably would have passed out if he weren't there with me to relive everything. I just pray for Mindy, James, Sheridan and there family. I was so proud of Mindy (mommy) she held herself together SO WELL. I think back to mine and I was just a double train wreck waiting to happen. This funeral wasn't only hard because of having had to bury one of my own children already but it also lies on the SAME weekend that I lost my baby. I don't know I just think NO ONE should EVER have to bury there child, to have to see them lying there in a casket that isn't even as long as your arm. It is beyond heart wrenching to see or even think of this. Right now I just sit and pray for any mom and dad that is going through the loss of a baby right now. I hope that there heart sits at peace tonight.

Please Pray

Tomorrow is Baby Shea's funeral. I went over and spoke and visited with my friend yesterday and she is just in pieces right now. So please pray that she will find peace after she lays her baby down to rest.

My two boy's

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Hard one

Baby Shea shortly after she was born 2 weeks ago

Today I got some VERY sad and hard news to handle. A friend of mine that lives down the street from me lost her baby today at just over 2 weeks old. I just lost it when I heard this on the phone. As you all know my 2 year mark for Joey is coming up so in hearing this it just scraped to bottom of my pot so to say and turned up all the hurt and sadness and every other emotion that you could imagine losing a child would bring. I am now in the shoes that all my friends where sitting in at this moment 2 years ago. What do I say? What do I do? What if I say the wrong thing? I feel lost. It is not like we just lost a game here and I can say oh man I know how you feel better luck next time. This is a life. Her child's life. The life that she carried for 34 weeks and delivered and watched suffer for everyday of her life. So I don't completely know how she feels. I never watched Joey suffer. Joey was born silent. Her on the other hand has stood and watched her daughter suffer. I know I can say I am her for you and if you need anything please feel free to call, but for some reason in this case it just seems cold to me. How do you console someone is this situation? I am just at a total lost does anyone have any advice? I am going to go and get her a few things that have helped me a little in getting through my lonely days. So with that hopefully that will open some doors for me. So if you think of it will you please pray for little baby Shea's family and friends as they deal with what is to come down this long and dark road. That it wont seem so lonely for them and that they would feel God's love more now then ever.

Baby Shea passed away today from liver and kidney dysfunction around noon.

So much to do but.......

So little time to do any of it in is what it feels like. Next week my brother is coming down for 5 days then on top if it while he is here Rob's friend and his wife to be is coming down too. So needless to say we are going to have a full house. I am looking forward to them coming but not looking forward to lossing a WHOLE weeks worth of packing. Although it will be a VERY nice brake and a much needed one. I am feeling like a chicken with my head cut off right now. I am VERY much excited about this move coming up though. New places (maybe). I just know that I am VERY MUCH looking forward to getting out of the town that we live in right now. NOTHING to do unless you drive 20 + miles to get there. So Robbie and I spend most if not ALL our time here, till the weekend comes then we might go and do something with Rob. Not cool with gas the way it is.

Say Good Bye To......

The mommy helper. Robbie has figured out how to unlock the refrigerator even with my mommy helper. This lasted for not even a year. He has also figured out how to unlock the stove lock. So needless to say I am back to checking if there is anything in my stove before I start pre heating it. In case you all forgot I got 2nd degree burns due to my cute little man putting a dish towel into the oven with me not knowing.

2 years ago today.....

We woke up to what seemed like what was going to be an everyday normal day. We woke up and started doing some running around that needed to be done. First on our list was to check out of the hotel and get the moving truck back to Budget so we didn't get charged with any late fee's. Well while stopping along the way to get something to eat I started to feel a little crampy, I told Rob this and said that I would like to get it checked out (because I was still bleeding at this time). So we got done eating our breakfast and headed over to the base to hand in our truck. Well while we where there, we where there a LONG time due to the fact that our truck had broken down on us on our way to FL leaving us on the side of a 6 lane high way and NO bathroom. So Rob was want some type of discount on the truck. Well I had gone to the bathroom a few times while we where there and every time I went to the bathroom the bleeding seemed like it was just getting worse. I told Rob this and we had decided that the ER was going to be our next stop. Well in between that and going to the bath room AGAIN and going out to the van to get myself another new pad my water broke in the parking lot of budget. At first I had just thought I had started peeing then then quickly realized that I was not peeing my water in fact was broken. So I walked as fast as I could (Rob was sitting on hold with some one from budget) and opened the door and just screamed my water just broke Rob I don't know what to do. ... Help me..... Rob then picked Robbie up and got him into the van and drove me to the hospital as fast as he could. Thank God we where right next to it just about a block down. We got into the doors to the ER and my pants where just soaked. They asked me how they could help me and just said "Somethings wrong I m only 19 weeks pregnant and my water just broke". The lady told me not to be scared. I m sorry how could I not be scared I haven't even hit the 1/2 way mark of my pregnancy and my water is braking. They got me into a room and everything was a big blur from there on. There are a few things that I do remember in the ER room. They tested my pants and underwear with those test strips to see if it was amniotic fluid that came out and that tested positive. A lady dressed like she just came off an ambulance came in to check on me asked me a few questions about what has happened in the last few days and said to me "Well be thankful you at least have one beautiful baby". I looked at her and told her "I have two beautiful baby's, now get me someone who knows what they are doing" (I didn't like her too much after she made that comment to me). They kept telling me that they wanted to do ANOTHER pap but didn't have the equipment to do it, But they where going to do it anyways..... LISA... My God sent friend. She came running into my room and just wrapped me up in her arms. At that time I don't think I have ever gotten a hug so big. I truly felt like God was there holding me at that very moment. I didn't even know that Rob had called her at that time, but he did and I was and am so thankful for that because she was one of our saving graces that day. She has been through some losses too. I know that one of her pregnancy was a loss right at 40 weeks... So needless to say she has traveled the road I was going down. She along with Rob where kicking the doc's in the butt to get me up to the 8th floor where they knew what the heck they where doing up there. Then I vividly remember taking the elevator up to the 8th floor and being put in a room all by myself just my and my baby......... I just layed there and held my belly just praying that God would keep him safe no matter what and that he wouldn't be in any pain. At this time Rob and Lisa where outside taking care of Robbie and getting him set up to go home with Lisa. This is when the Doc Lt. Taylor (another lady at who was God sent to me) came into the room and told me that she was sorry but she had to do a pap to see how everything was looking and to make sure everything was ok. She confirmed again that the water did brake and that I would be on bed rest at the hospital for a while. I then just remember being wheeled to my new room. I don't remember to much after the first day being there. I remember a few things here and there but what I do remember is that this was not just a normal day.

Remembering.......

Taking a moment to remember all who lost there loved ones on such a sad day.

2 years ago today.....

We woke up and went to get some breakfast at the local IHOP. While we where there we called some phone numbers that our friend Lisa (who I met at Rob's OCS graduation) (She in herself is is and was a VERY much blessing in disguise more on her later) had gotten for us. Well we came across a lady who had a place for $950.00 a month and was ready to hand keys over to us that day and it was a 2200 sq ft house. So we where ALL excited. We moved all of our stuff in that night in the Pouring rain and went back to the Navy Lodge for the night. Note I was pretty much still bleeding at this point.

2 years ago today.....

My family and I where pulling into the state of FL to begin our new adventures of the officer's world. We where being stationed here because Rob had already been accepted to OCS (Officer Candidate School) and gone through that. Now where where going to start his schooling for NFO (Navel Flight Officer). Well when we got to FL I had started bleeding again (at the time I was 3 months pregnant).

Back tracking here to mid Aug. We had just gotten back to Virginia from Florida from Rob's OCS graduation with my parents. They came back to Virginia to help us re-due our WHOLE house so that we could put it up for sale. Well one of the days around Aug 18th or so I had my first Doc appt for my pregnancy (I had it this late in the game due to being in IL for the first 2 months). My mom and Robbie where the one's to go with me for this one. At this apt they did all the normal stuff they would do at your first doc apt, listen to the heart beat, do an ultrasound, and you guessed it a pap. Well when they told me that Dr. Steven Miller would be doing my pap I was NOT happy with that (because I don't let any guy do that kind of stuff to me) so I asked for an experienced FEMALE to do it. Oh did I tell you Dr. Miller was a trainee too??? Yeah he was I was going to be his first one to "practice" on. Anyway the lady who I ask if I could have an experienced female do it said "yes I can do it if you would rather have me do it" I said " yes anyone other then a guy who doesn't know what he is doing". So with that I layed down, now mind you I already had the heart beat thing done and Joey was good at 152 beets a min!! Then I already had, had my ultrasound too. Everything looked GREAT the tec said. Then Dr. Miller came in asked me some questions and walked back out, this is when I asked for the female doc. Dr. Miller came back into the room at which point I was already laying down with my legs up and the drape thing over my legs and I heard HER say "We are going to get started now ok Mrs. Razzano". I said "ok". With that I felt everything you usually feel when they put the ducky thing in you put I felt SO MUCH MORE. It HURT and it HURT BAD.... It hurt so bad that I just slowly started crying. The next thing I heard changed my life forever. Out of the mouth of Dr. Steven Miller I hear, "Mrs. Razzano have you been bleeding"? I peeked up and SAW DR. MILLER DOING MY PAP. I WAS PISSED to say the least. I asked him 'What the HELL are you doing down there"? He replied with "I am doing your pap mam". I then told him that "I had, had NO problems with this pregnancy until he put whatever he just did into me". My mom had told me that she was on the other side of the curtain with Robbie and she peeked around to see what was going on and she said that they where pulling swabs of blood out of me. So with that said everything was done I bleed for 5 or 6 days after that pap and COULD NOT sit down for the 1st day of having it done.

Now back to coming back to FL. I had started bleeding again so before we even checked into our hotel (because we had NO place to live when we first got down here) we took a trip to the ER because of my bleeding. Well in the ER they did yet again ANOTHER pap even though I had JUST had one a couple of weeks ago and they said I had so sort of infection and to use this cream for so many days and to follow up with my OB doc if things didn't get better and set me off. That night I just cried myself to sleep. This was the start of my very VERY rocky road.

Jack-A-Do and Robbie Roo

When you put these two together in a room you either want to pull your hair out just listing to them fight or you want to grab your camera because they are being so cute together. This is Robbie's cousin Jack who by the way is only 3 months older then him. They are too stinkin cute together. Robbie misses being able to play with his Jack-A-Doas he would call him. He has been asking if we can go back to his Aunt Beck's house (my sister-in-law) so he can see his Jack-A-Do again. These two are going to be like 2 pee's in a pod when they get older!!

They discovered the magic hole

Playing soccer (look at Robbie's tong he must get that from his Aunt Hollie!!!)

Robbie's Brithday

A little late I know but it has been a mad house here between leaving for NY, getting back from NY and now trying to pack my house and get ready for Rob's winging!!!! So here are a few pics from Robbie's 3rd Birthday or should I say Burpa party as Robbie would say it. He had SUCH a blast. And if you think that this is the ONLY Burpa report that you are going to get YOUR WRONG. Robbie had a total of 3 Birthday cakes this year! Now I know you are suppose to put the amount of candles on your cake that you are going to be, but hey why not have as many cakes as as many years old you are turning too right?? Oh and by the way my frind Giselda made this cake by hand, carved it and everything!!! She did AWSOME.

Home

So I am now home and glad to be home, Kinda. I had a GREAT time while I was up in NY and I was able to really connect with one of Rob's sisters. And to be able to watch Robbie play with his cousin that is only 3 months older then him was a blast!! On the other hand it is nice to be able to be home with Rob and to be able to see my puppy dogs! I have TONS of pics that I will be sharing over the course of the next several blogs so be lookin for those!! It is good to be back and be able to share things with you guys again too!!!

Up,Up, and away.

Tomorrow morning at 5AM Robbie and I will be headed out of town and up to NY state to be visiting some of Rob's family that is in town from England. I am excited yet not excited about this trip. Robbie will be able to visit family that he has NEVER met yet and might never get the chance of meeting again. And we will also be able to make it up there just in time for a HUGE Birthday party that they are going to be throwing for all the AUG. Birthdays in his (Rob's) family. So Robbie is pretty excited that he gets 2 "Burpa" (birthday) party's in 1 weekend!! Tonight we are having one here with some of his friends so that Rob can "celebrate" his birthday with him since Robbie's Birthday is on Sunday and we will be in Ny at that time. The other part of me is not wanting to go because there is SOOOO MUCH to do still down here with getting ready to move. We have been told now to not expect to know where we are moving to until FOUR days before we move. Needless to say I am the one who is going to be packing us ALL up and I want it to be as organized at possible. UGGG there is so much to do with in ONE months time that my head feels like it is just going to explode.

SHOCK

Well just thought that I would let you all know that today is the FIRST time in I don't know HOW long that I have been able to open my windows!! There is a nice enough breeze that I can do that!! It is nice to be able to breath in fresh air!!

SO proud

On Wednesday (I know a little behind here) Rob was promoted to LTJG!! That is a big deal for him and for us as a family! He is no longer looked at as a butterbar ( his last bars where gold so that is what they got called.) He is now looked at with much more respect! I am so proud of how well he is doing and at the fact that we are ALMOST done with this stage of training and he will soon be winged (which means he will be a US Navy Pilot!!!) I am SO PROUD of you Rob you are doing an AWSOME job. And to top it all off Robbie got to be the one who took off his old "butterbars" the gold bars and put on his new silver JG bars!!! He was SO excited that he got to go to daddy's work and do some "work" with daddy!!

Question?

What path are you going to choose to go down today, because YOU make that choice!!!

I saw this question today and it really made me think. I have been feeling SO LAZY for the last week or so. Not wanting to do a darn thing. I don't know what the heck to do to get out of this rut. So when I saw this question it made me think. Sit around and not do anything ALL day OR get up off your butt do the laundry, clean the bathroom, wash the floors, PLAY WITH ROBBIE, go out for a walk... There is a WORLD of things to do and I need to get out of my rut and do something. So this was my question of the day or should I say my KICK IN THE BUTT for the day.

Diaper Cake!!

So yesterday I attempted my very first diaper cake for a baby shower that I will be going to tonight! I am SO EXCITED for how good I thought that it turned out considering I am not usually a creative type of person! And to top it all off it was REALLY easy to do and pretty inexpensive to do. All I have to do now is put some plastic wrap around it to keep all the diapers together!! I must say not bad for the first. Now I just have to find some more pregnant people to make some for!! HAHA

Our New Addition.....

CHOLE!!!!!! She is such a GOOD puppy. Very layed back untill she get's playing with Sammy. She is 7 1/2 weeks old and such a mama's girl!! I LOVE IT!!

Packing Days

So I am getting down to the point where all I can think about is getting out of FL and moving on to newer and better places to live!! I already have my packing boxes. I have already starting going through stuff for my BIG garage sale that I am going to be having ( by the way will be my first so any advice is VERY MUCH WELCOME) and I am getting the itch to start putting my boxes together and filling them with stuff that we don't use right now (winter cloths, coats, toys, stuff in the attic, ect...) But then I don't know what exactly I am going to do with those filled boxes. What the heck can I do until I move. I want to have time to pack and not have to rush through it at the last min. Also we have some of Rob's family and my parents coming down here when Rob gets winged in September!!! I just want to be able to enjoy family when they are here instead having to pack. So I think the start of Aug I am going to pack my boxes and start saying GOOD BYE MILTON!!! I CANT WAIT TO DRIVE OUT OF THIS TOWN!!! NOOOOO LOOKING BACK ON THIS TOWN!!

Doing well

Well yesterday my mom had her foot surgery and everything we GREAT. They didn't have to do as much as they thought that they where going to have to do!! Thank you everyone for your prayers. Please cont. to pray that the pain isn't to bad for her and that she can sleep at night!!

Pray for my mama please

Please be praying for my mom. Today she is having surgery on her foot at 10am. Pray that she has a FAST recovery time and that she doesn't have too much pain involved.

Cake found!!

So I was telling my friend my delma with what themas I was debating on and so she found a cake that pretty much fit ALL of them in (well almost all of them not the spiderman but that is ok). I wish I could get this to be a bigger pic but I cant. But it has right in the middle of the 3 a fire truck that is putting a fire out in a house and a train (which is another thing Robbie is into). And all the construction stuff!!
Thank you Stephanie for sending me pics of your little mans cake and giving me some web sites for party ideas. They BOTH helped very much!!

Hard One

I am finding it to be REALLY hard to come up with the theme for Robbie's 3rd Birthday party. He is into SO many different things that I CANT pick just one thing. And to top it off my friend who LOVE'S to do cakes has offered to make Robbie's cake for me this year. So she is wanting to know the theme so she can start to look for stuff for the cake. Last year it was SO easy to pick the theme for his party because Robbie was SO into the movie Cars. BUT this year he is into Construction, Emergency stuff, Motorcycles to Spiderman. I don't think it would be really easy to just throw all that stuff onto one cake and say here ya go have at it!! Oh the choices.
Any body have any ideas??

The mistress........

That's me, I was looking on photobucket for some different stuff to add to my page and I came across this:

This is how I feel this week. ALL weekend into this week Robbie and I have NOT seen Rob AT ALL. When and if we do see him it is a Hi, Kiss, Good bye. It SUCKS. I cant not wait to MAYBE have him to ourselves this weekend!!! Hopefully everything will work out to where we can do that. Oh well I guess this is what I should really start getting use to because it is going to be like this from here on out I think with finishing flight school and then moving and going right into training that he will be learning to fly the actual helo that he will be flying. Right now he is just flying training helos. Then come the deployments:P Oh goodness.