2 years ago today.........

Was a day that changed my life FOREVER. 2 years ago today I lost my baby boy. I lost a pice of my heart, I lost a pice of me. 2 years ago today instead of crying tears of joy I was crying tears of pain, hurt, sadness and anguish. 2 years ago today instead of holding my baby at night I was dreaming of him in Jesus arms saying to me " Don't worry mommy I m safe now I don't hurt anymore."

2 years ago today started off as an ok day. I had been having a little bit of cramping the night before and the nurse (who I LOVED she was my favorite nurse Moreen) said that it was to be expected so I let it go and slipped back off to sleep. I woke up and so did Rob and he was telling me how he was going to stay and spend the day with me (He had been doing running around during the day because of us just getting there and him having to sign into commands and everything else so he would come back to be during the night). Well the nurse came in and gave me my normal morning meds and did the normal check up on me. It was then that I was informed that I would be having an ultrasound today because they wanted to make sure that (at the time Joeleah that is what I was calling Joey because we had not known if he was a boy or a girl yet) Joey was growing and everything ok, they where also going to check to see if I was regaining any water back around him. Rob and I where SO EXCITED because it was yet again ANOTHER chance to find out if Joeleah was a Joe or a Leah! Well we had woke up about 8 that morning and they said that the ultrasound would be about 2ish. We just sat around that morning and watched movies and visited with some of the nurses. Noon rolls around and the nurse comes in to do another check on me and Joeleah and to give me my afternoon meds. Everything was going good Joeleah was at a strong 160 heart beat!! Well right around 2 like they said they came rolling in with the ultrasound and I light up like a Christmas tree because it was like I said another chance to see my Joeleah and to find out boy or girl. Well at first they couldn't figure out how to get the ultrasound on, so we sat there and waited. Finally they figured it out. They put the jelly on my tummy and put the thingy on my tummy. As soon as they put it on my stomach tears just started rolling down my face. I didn't see the flicker. I saw Joeleah but NO FLICKER. I just looked at Rob as he was holding my hand and he just squeezed it even harder. I said "Where is it? Where is my baby's heart beat?" They said "I don't know mam we are looking for it". Rob kept telling me they will get it babe they will get it. Put the more they kept going around my stomach I knew then and there I had just lost my baby. I had lost the one person I have put the biggest fight up for in my whole life. I had put up such a fight that there is one doc there that probably thought I was a NUT case. It was then that they had turned to me and said "We are sorry Mr. and Mrs. Razzano but we cant find the heart beat". Rob jumped on them and told them to get another machine, a machine that you know how to work. So while they got another machine I had Willy another nurse in there with the heart beat finder looking for any type of movement or heart beat, and he couldn't find anything either. They finally found another more up to date machine and got that one all working put the jelly back on my stomach and went to work trying to find a heart beat again. Nothing. I layed there and felt like I just had my WHOLE world kicked out from underneath me. My whole world just came falling on top of me. Rob just grabbed me and we both just lost it. At that time even though I had done everything I knew I could do I felt like the worlds worst mom. The whole what if's just started flooding my head. I called my mom to tell her the news because she was at my house with Robbie and she too just lost it. I tell you this much though my mom was due to leave the next morning to go back to IL. So the way it worked out was for the best in that aspect of it. I would have not had my mom here if this all happened the next day. My mom came up to the hospital with Robbie. At this time I was allowed to get up and out of bed for the first time in a week and a half. Let me tell you how funny it felt to walk for the first time. At this time I was sitting in the bed and the priest from a hospital that Rob was trying to get me into Sacred Heart came walking into my room with a HUGE smile on his face. He had come to tell us that I had been accepted into this hospital (they don't take anyone under 24 weeks). Well I then asked him if they had gave him the news at the front desk and he had not. He was so upset. He felt so bad here he was able to help us get into a hospital that had Joey been born there they had an awesome NICU. So he said a prayer with us and left. Well after he left I felt like I need some air so the hospital had informed me to take my time do what I felt I needed to do, which was get out of my room for a little bit to kinda clear my head and get some fresh air and to take my first shower in a week and a half. So we all went outside and sat there for about 30 mins or so. We went back into the hospital and I got back up to my room where I was going to take a shower. Well when I went into the bathroom with the shower everyone was in my room. This next part is going to be a little more graphic and I have never shared this with anyone yet other then a few people. So... while I was in the shower I just stood under the water and held my stomach for I knew that when I was done taking this shower I would soon be delivering my baby. So I held my Joeleah as long as I could. Well I proceeded to start washing my hair and then my body. Well as I was washing down there I could feel my little baby's foot starting to come out. I just screamed. I started yelling ROOOOOOBBBBBB.... No answer then MOOOOOOOMMMMMM... No answer so I wrapped myself in a towel and went and go a nurse and said it...it....it I can feel a foot..She said ok sweetie just go lay on the bed I will go and get your husband. Rob then came running through the door, my mom was right behind him. They told me that I could start pushing at any time. They had also given me something to give me contractions. So I started pushing I pushed for about 10 or 15 mins and I felt like I was doing all the work to get the outcome of what?? I am not going to be able to bring my sweet little baby home with me. When I started pushing Robbie was there with my mom. Looking up at him made me hurt so much more. Here he was watching me deliver his little brother or sister and he wasn't ever going to get the chance to grow up with them. Finally Lisa came and picked Robbie up he went and spent the night with her. I was having little progress so they told me to just stop pushing for a little while and let the medicine for the contractions kick in a little bit more and we would go back to pushing in 30 mins. Well with in that 30 mins I was just sitting/laying there and I could feel Joey fall out onto the bed. I looked at the nurse sitting at the end of the bed and said "I think my baby just feel out" He looked and said yes he did. They took him over to the table and wrapped him up in a blanket for us. It was when he handed Joey to us that he told us it was a boy. He was so precious looking. He looked like he was at peace. He had Rob's nose. He looked like he was going to be a spitting image of Robbie. We got to hold him for a while and so did my mom. After they took him away. I don't remember much after that. I remember them changing my sheets for me, and me crawling back into bed to face my first night of not having my baby Joey to hold. I had the hardest time trying to falling asleep that night but when I finally did I had a dream of Joey and he was laying all wrapped up in Jesus arm's and he looked over at me and said " Don't worry mommy I m safe now I don't hurt anymore". With that I felt at some ease.

I melt whenever I think of how it all played out. But at the end of the day Joey knows nothing more then God's love for him. I love my Joey and will always love him. I miss him more and more everyday that goes by, but I know that someday I will be able to hold him again!

Joey was born Sep 22, 2006 at 6:58 pm. He was 27 cm long and 13.5 oz