Up and at it

Well this morning I woke up to not a good morning. I fell asleep in bed with Robbie last night and to my surprise he had taken his nigh night underwear (a pull up) off before he had went to bed. So I got to wake up to be soaked in a pile of COLD WET PEE!!! Whoo nothing like starting your da off like that huhh? So note to self tell Rob I might be a little pissy today (hahaha just kidding). But anyways I got Robbie changed with some nigh night underwear on wiped him all up got him into a different bed and headed into his room (after changing myself and getting cleaned up) to start cleaning his bed with the cleaner. Well while I was sitting there cleaning his bed I was thinking to myself that instead of going back to bed I was going to get up for the day (5:30 am) and go out running. So that is what I did I got my shoes laced them up and got my MP3 player strapped to my arm and just had at it. It felt not so good. It has been a while since I have ran and my lungs just BURNED the whole time. I had to stop once because I started getting light headed but after that I was good to go. It didn't help that when I usually go running I take a bottle of water with me and we don't have any of that right now so I was a little off beat. But other then that I am SO HAPPY that I did it! Once I got done it felt GREAT!! REALLY tired right now but that is because I am ALL off on my sleep schedule due to people being in town for the last week.
So some things I found out that I REALLY HATE when I am running......
1. I HATE the smell of exhaust when people drive by you
2. I HATE the smell of cigarettes when you are running. I mean I hate the smell to begin with but when you running it is 10 times worse to me.
3. I need to change some songs on my MP3 Player because I was all in the mood and then all of a sudden a nice slow sleepy song comes on and throwes me ALL OFF I HATE that. So I guess there is note 2 for myself today... Change MP3 songs.
4. I HATE running in the dark. At least the sun was coming up a little little little bit but it still was very nerve racking.

Ok some of the things I did like
1. I DID IT. I got myself out of bed (kinda) (Thanks Robbie for peeing your bed) and did it!
2. Even though it was an early rise and I m sure I will be paying for it later with being tired and off my game.... I did it... and even though I walked a little bit... I DID IT!!
3. I LOVED being able to get out and go and not have to worry about Robbie wanting to go with me or having to ask Rob hey can you keep an eye on him.
4. I m done... I don't have to get out there again and do it until tomorrow... Unless I go again tonight which I just might do (but I know I will have Robbie if I do it tonight which is ok he LOVES to go supper fast in his stroller!!!)
5. I liked how it was cooler in the morning running then at night.
6. I LOVED how I felt like NO ONE was watching me because they where all in bed them selfs. The only people that wold or could see me where the ones leaving for work. And at that point WHO CARES because it was dark anyways they couldn't see me!!! haha

So I guess the likes and LOVES out weight the I HATES so it looks like I better get my butt back into gear and get a sleep schedule going so I can start waking up at 5:30 every morning!!

Almost 1 mile down and 12.1 more to learning how to run NON STOP!!!!

Oh yeah I am training to do a 13.1 mile run with my Sister and Beth!! I wish I could train with you guys. Oh well hopefully hear soon I will hear the words "We are going to Virginia" So I can go and start training on the real deal!!!

Have a good day all!!

2 years ago today.......

Instead of being able to bring my baby home all wrapped up in a blanket I had to bring what I had from my baby home in a bag. That is one of the worst feelings to come home with is NOTHING. I couldn't stand knowing that I was leaving my baby behind me and going home without him.

When the hospital was discharging me they came in and had given us some remembrance stuff for Joey. They had given us a disk with 3 pics of Joey on it. The cloths and blanket he was laying on in those pics. The tape that they had measured him with, 2 little stones for Rob to put in his pocket or to do with what he wanted (they sit in a little cross box that I got for him with Joey's name engraved on it). They had given Robbie a very little fuzzy bear to remember his little brother by (we are still wanting to put that little bear into a build a bear for him we just found out where one is down here so we are going to go do that sometime this week maybe). And latter found about a couple days after we buried Joey I found a very little ring in his packet and come to find out he was holding that same ring in his pics that they had taken so I now wear that ring around my neck on a special necklas that my mom and dad bought for me to go with a VERY special charm that my mom and dad had made for me with Joey's hand and foot print on it. The hospital had also given us real prints of his hands and feet and also one of those hand casing kits with his hands and feet in them (Lisa my friend had given them that just in case my out come came out the way it did. Which I am VERY grateful she did that). I have also gotten a few things over time from people that are a GREAT remembrance of Joey. So at the end of everyday after I tuck Robbie into bed I go and I have my Joey time. I will still pull out all of his stuff and look at it and have my time "with Joey". I know nothing I can do will ever bring him back but like I have said he is in a MUCH better place right now, and even though I sometimes catch myself thinking "but what place is better then in mommy's arms"? I slap myself out of it and just think of the song Glory Baby.

2 years ago today.........

Was a day that changed my life FOREVER. 2 years ago today I lost my baby boy. I lost a pice of my heart, I lost a pice of me. 2 years ago today instead of crying tears of joy I was crying tears of pain, hurt, sadness and anguish. 2 years ago today instead of holding my baby at night I was dreaming of him in Jesus arms saying to me " Don't worry mommy I m safe now I don't hurt anymore."

2 years ago today started off as an ok day. I had been having a little bit of cramping the night before and the nurse (who I LOVED she was my favorite nurse Moreen) said that it was to be expected so I let it go and slipped back off to sleep. I woke up and so did Rob and he was telling me how he was going to stay and spend the day with me (He had been doing running around during the day because of us just getting there and him having to sign into commands and everything else so he would come back to be during the night). Well the nurse came in and gave me my normal morning meds and did the normal check up on me. It was then that I was informed that I would be having an ultrasound today because they wanted to make sure that (at the time Joeleah that is what I was calling Joey because we had not known if he was a boy or a girl yet) Joey was growing and everything ok, they where also going to check to see if I was regaining any water back around him. Rob and I where SO EXCITED because it was yet again ANOTHER chance to find out if Joeleah was a Joe or a Leah! Well we had woke up about 8 that morning and they said that the ultrasound would be about 2ish. We just sat around that morning and watched movies and visited with some of the nurses. Noon rolls around and the nurse comes in to do another check on me and Joeleah and to give me my afternoon meds. Everything was going good Joeleah was at a strong 160 heart beat!! Well right around 2 like they said they came rolling in with the ultrasound and I light up like a Christmas tree because it was like I said another chance to see my Joeleah and to find out boy or girl. Well at first they couldn't figure out how to get the ultrasound on, so we sat there and waited. Finally they figured it out. They put the jelly on my tummy and put the thingy on my tummy. As soon as they put it on my stomach tears just started rolling down my face. I didn't see the flicker. I saw Joeleah but NO FLICKER. I just looked at Rob as he was holding my hand and he just squeezed it even harder. I said "Where is it? Where is my baby's heart beat?" They said "I don't know mam we are looking for it". Rob kept telling me they will get it babe they will get it. Put the more they kept going around my stomach I knew then and there I had just lost my baby. I had lost the one person I have put the biggest fight up for in my whole life. I had put up such a fight that there is one doc there that probably thought I was a NUT case. It was then that they had turned to me and said "We are sorry Mr. and Mrs. Razzano but we cant find the heart beat". Rob jumped on them and told them to get another machine, a machine that you know how to work. So while they got another machine I had Willy another nurse in there with the heart beat finder looking for any type of movement or heart beat, and he couldn't find anything either. They finally found another more up to date machine and got that one all working put the jelly back on my stomach and went to work trying to find a heart beat again. Nothing. I layed there and felt like I just had my WHOLE world kicked out from underneath me. My whole world just came falling on top of me. Rob just grabbed me and we both just lost it. At that time even though I had done everything I knew I could do I felt like the worlds worst mom. The whole what if's just started flooding my head. I called my mom to tell her the news because she was at my house with Robbie and she too just lost it. I tell you this much though my mom was due to leave the next morning to go back to IL. So the way it worked out was for the best in that aspect of it. I would have not had my mom here if this all happened the next day. My mom came up to the hospital with Robbie. At this time I was allowed to get up and out of bed for the first time in a week and a half. Let me tell you how funny it felt to walk for the first time. At this time I was sitting in the bed and the priest from a hospital that Rob was trying to get me into Sacred Heart came walking into my room with a HUGE smile on his face. He had come to tell us that I had been accepted into this hospital (they don't take anyone under 24 weeks). Well I then asked him if they had gave him the news at the front desk and he had not. He was so upset. He felt so bad here he was able to help us get into a hospital that had Joey been born there they had an awesome NICU. So he said a prayer with us and left. Well after he left I felt like I need some air so the hospital had informed me to take my time do what I felt I needed to do, which was get out of my room for a little bit to kinda clear my head and get some fresh air and to take my first shower in a week and a half. So we all went outside and sat there for about 30 mins or so. We went back into the hospital and I got back up to my room where I was going to take a shower. Well when I went into the bathroom with the shower everyone was in my room. This next part is going to be a little more graphic and I have never shared this with anyone yet other then a few people. So... while I was in the shower I just stood under the water and held my stomach for I knew that when I was done taking this shower I would soon be delivering my baby. So I held my Joeleah as long as I could. Well I proceeded to start washing my hair and then my body. Well as I was washing down there I could feel my little baby's foot starting to come out. I just screamed. I started yelling ROOOOOOBBBBBB.... No answer then MOOOOOOOMMMMMM... No answer so I wrapped myself in a towel and went and go a nurse and said it...it....it I can feel a foot..She said ok sweetie just go lay on the bed I will go and get your husband. Rob then came running through the door, my mom was right behind him. They told me that I could start pushing at any time. They had also given me something to give me contractions. So I started pushing I pushed for about 10 or 15 mins and I felt like I was doing all the work to get the outcome of what?? I am not going to be able to bring my sweet little baby home with me. When I started pushing Robbie was there with my mom. Looking up at him made me hurt so much more. Here he was watching me deliver his little brother or sister and he wasn't ever going to get the chance to grow up with them. Finally Lisa came and picked Robbie up he went and spent the night with her. I was having little progress so they told me to just stop pushing for a little while and let the medicine for the contractions kick in a little bit more and we would go back to pushing in 30 mins. Well with in that 30 mins I was just sitting/laying there and I could feel Joey fall out onto the bed. I looked at the nurse sitting at the end of the bed and said "I think my baby just feel out" He looked and said yes he did. They took him over to the table and wrapped him up in a blanket for us. It was when he handed Joey to us that he told us it was a boy. He was so precious looking. He looked like he was at peace. He had Rob's nose. He looked like he was going to be a spitting image of Robbie. We got to hold him for a while and so did my mom. After they took him away. I don't remember much after that. I remember them changing my sheets for me, and me crawling back into bed to face my first night of not having my baby Joey to hold. I had the hardest time trying to falling asleep that night but when I finally did I had a dream of Joey and he was laying all wrapped up in Jesus arm's and he looked over at me and said " Don't worry mommy I m safe now I don't hurt anymore". With that I felt at some ease.

I melt whenever I think of how it all played out. But at the end of the day Joey knows nothing more then God's love for him. I love my Joey and will always love him. I miss him more and more everyday that goes by, but I know that someday I will be able to hold him again!

Joey was born Sep 22, 2006 at 6:58 pm. He was 27 cm long and 13.5 oz

The funeral

Well yesterday we attended baby Shea's funeral. Let me tell you aside from Joey's funeral that was beyond one of the hardest day's of my life. I never thought that I could feel all the feelings I felt on the day of Joey's funeral again. My heart felt like it had been riped out of my chest stomped on by a million people then picked up riped to shreds then put back into my chest only for it to feel like it is in my stomach. The WHOLE funeral I for the life of me could not let Robbie go. It brought everything right back into prospective. Robbie is my life. I couldn't imagine what my life would be like with out him. I m very thankful that Robbie was very good during this time. Rob, I am so glad that he want with me. I probably would have passed out if he weren't there with me to relive everything. I just pray for Mindy, James, Sheridan and there family. I was so proud of Mindy (mommy) she held herself together SO WELL. I think back to mine and I was just a double train wreck waiting to happen. This funeral wasn't only hard because of having had to bury one of my own children already but it also lies on the SAME weekend that I lost my baby. I don't know I just think NO ONE should EVER have to bury there child, to have to see them lying there in a casket that isn't even as long as your arm. It is beyond heart wrenching to see or even think of this. Right now I just sit and pray for any mom and dad that is going through the loss of a baby right now. I hope that there heart sits at peace tonight.

Please Pray

Tomorrow is Baby Shea's funeral. I went over and spoke and visited with my friend yesterday and she is just in pieces right now. So please pray that she will find peace after she lays her baby down to rest.

My two boy's

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Hard one

Baby Shea shortly after she was born 2 weeks ago

Today I got some VERY sad and hard news to handle. A friend of mine that lives down the street from me lost her baby today at just over 2 weeks old. I just lost it when I heard this on the phone. As you all know my 2 year mark for Joey is coming up so in hearing this it just scraped to bottom of my pot so to say and turned up all the hurt and sadness and every other emotion that you could imagine losing a child would bring. I am now in the shoes that all my friends where sitting in at this moment 2 years ago. What do I say? What do I do? What if I say the wrong thing? I feel lost. It is not like we just lost a game here and I can say oh man I know how you feel better luck next time. This is a life. Her child's life. The life that she carried for 34 weeks and delivered and watched suffer for everyday of her life. So I don't completely know how she feels. I never watched Joey suffer. Joey was born silent. Her on the other hand has stood and watched her daughter suffer. I know I can say I am her for you and if you need anything please feel free to call, but for some reason in this case it just seems cold to me. How do you console someone is this situation? I am just at a total lost does anyone have any advice? I am going to go and get her a few things that have helped me a little in getting through my lonely days. So with that hopefully that will open some doors for me. So if you think of it will you please pray for little baby Shea's family and friends as they deal with what is to come down this long and dark road. That it wont seem so lonely for them and that they would feel God's love more now then ever.

Baby Shea passed away today from liver and kidney dysfunction around noon.

So much to do but.......

So little time to do any of it in is what it feels like. Next week my brother is coming down for 5 days then on top if it while he is here Rob's friend and his wife to be is coming down too. So needless to say we are going to have a full house. I am looking forward to them coming but not looking forward to lossing a WHOLE weeks worth of packing. Although it will be a VERY nice brake and a much needed one. I am feeling like a chicken with my head cut off right now. I am VERY much excited about this move coming up though. New places (maybe). I just know that I am VERY MUCH looking forward to getting out of the town that we live in right now. NOTHING to do unless you drive 20 + miles to get there. So Robbie and I spend most if not ALL our time here, till the weekend comes then we might go and do something with Rob. Not cool with gas the way it is.

Say Good Bye To......

The mommy helper. Robbie has figured out how to unlock the refrigerator even with my mommy helper. This lasted for not even a year. He has also figured out how to unlock the stove lock. So needless to say I am back to checking if there is anything in my stove before I start pre heating it. In case you all forgot I got 2nd degree burns due to my cute little man putting a dish towel into the oven with me not knowing.

2 years ago today.....

We woke up to what seemed like what was going to be an everyday normal day. We woke up and started doing some running around that needed to be done. First on our list was to check out of the hotel and get the moving truck back to Budget so we didn't get charged with any late fee's. Well while stopping along the way to get something to eat I started to feel a little crampy, I told Rob this and said that I would like to get it checked out (because I was still bleeding at this time). So we got done eating our breakfast and headed over to the base to hand in our truck. Well while we where there, we where there a LONG time due to the fact that our truck had broken down on us on our way to FL leaving us on the side of a 6 lane high way and NO bathroom. So Rob was want some type of discount on the truck. Well I had gone to the bathroom a few times while we where there and every time I went to the bathroom the bleeding seemed like it was just getting worse. I told Rob this and we had decided that the ER was going to be our next stop. Well in between that and going to the bath room AGAIN and going out to the van to get myself another new pad my water broke in the parking lot of budget. At first I had just thought I had started peeing then then quickly realized that I was not peeing my water in fact was broken. So I walked as fast as I could (Rob was sitting on hold with some one from budget) and opened the door and just screamed my water just broke Rob I don't know what to do. ... Help me..... Rob then picked Robbie up and got him into the van and drove me to the hospital as fast as he could. Thank God we where right next to it just about a block down. We got into the doors to the ER and my pants where just soaked. They asked me how they could help me and just said "Somethings wrong I m only 19 weeks pregnant and my water just broke". The lady told me not to be scared. I m sorry how could I not be scared I haven't even hit the 1/2 way mark of my pregnancy and my water is braking. They got me into a room and everything was a big blur from there on. There are a few things that I do remember in the ER room. They tested my pants and underwear with those test strips to see if it was amniotic fluid that came out and that tested positive. A lady dressed like she just came off an ambulance came in to check on me asked me a few questions about what has happened in the last few days and said to me "Well be thankful you at least have one beautiful baby". I looked at her and told her "I have two beautiful baby's, now get me someone who knows what they are doing" (I didn't like her too much after she made that comment to me). They kept telling me that they wanted to do ANOTHER pap but didn't have the equipment to do it, But they where going to do it anyways..... LISA... My God sent friend. She came running into my room and just wrapped me up in her arms. At that time I don't think I have ever gotten a hug so big. I truly felt like God was there holding me at that very moment. I didn't even know that Rob had called her at that time, but he did and I was and am so thankful for that because she was one of our saving graces that day. She has been through some losses too. I know that one of her pregnancy was a loss right at 40 weeks... So needless to say she has traveled the road I was going down. She along with Rob where kicking the doc's in the butt to get me up to the 8th floor where they knew what the heck they where doing up there. Then I vividly remember taking the elevator up to the 8th floor and being put in a room all by myself just my and my baby......... I just layed there and held my belly just praying that God would keep him safe no matter what and that he wouldn't be in any pain. At this time Rob and Lisa where outside taking care of Robbie and getting him set up to go home with Lisa. This is when the Doc Lt. Taylor (another lady at who was God sent to me) came into the room and told me that she was sorry but she had to do a pap to see how everything was looking and to make sure everything was ok. She confirmed again that the water did brake and that I would be on bed rest at the hospital for a while. I then just remember being wheeled to my new room. I don't remember to much after the first day being there. I remember a few things here and there but what I do remember is that this was not just a normal day.

Remembering.......

Taking a moment to remember all who lost there loved ones on such a sad day.

2 years ago today.....

We woke up and went to get some breakfast at the local IHOP. While we where there we called some phone numbers that our friend Lisa (who I met at Rob's OCS graduation) (She in herself is is and was a VERY much blessing in disguise more on her later) had gotten for us. Well we came across a lady who had a place for $950.00 a month and was ready to hand keys over to us that day and it was a 2200 sq ft house. So we where ALL excited. We moved all of our stuff in that night in the Pouring rain and went back to the Navy Lodge for the night. Note I was pretty much still bleeding at this point.

2 years ago today.....

My family and I where pulling into the state of FL to begin our new adventures of the officer's world. We where being stationed here because Rob had already been accepted to OCS (Officer Candidate School) and gone through that. Now where where going to start his schooling for NFO (Navel Flight Officer). Well when we got to FL I had started bleeding again (at the time I was 3 months pregnant).

Back tracking here to mid Aug. We had just gotten back to Virginia from Florida from Rob's OCS graduation with my parents. They came back to Virginia to help us re-due our WHOLE house so that we could put it up for sale. Well one of the days around Aug 18th or so I had my first Doc appt for my pregnancy (I had it this late in the game due to being in IL for the first 2 months). My mom and Robbie where the one's to go with me for this one. At this apt they did all the normal stuff they would do at your first doc apt, listen to the heart beat, do an ultrasound, and you guessed it a pap. Well when they told me that Dr. Steven Miller would be doing my pap I was NOT happy with that (because I don't let any guy do that kind of stuff to me) so I asked for an experienced FEMALE to do it. Oh did I tell you Dr. Miller was a trainee too??? Yeah he was I was going to be his first one to "practice" on. Anyway the lady who I ask if I could have an experienced female do it said "yes I can do it if you would rather have me do it" I said " yes anyone other then a guy who doesn't know what he is doing". So with that I layed down, now mind you I already had the heart beat thing done and Joey was good at 152 beets a min!! Then I already had, had my ultrasound too. Everything looked GREAT the tec said. Then Dr. Miller came in asked me some questions and walked back out, this is when I asked for the female doc. Dr. Miller came back into the room at which point I was already laying down with my legs up and the drape thing over my legs and I heard HER say "We are going to get started now ok Mrs. Razzano". I said "ok". With that I felt everything you usually feel when they put the ducky thing in you put I felt SO MUCH MORE. It HURT and it HURT BAD.... It hurt so bad that I just slowly started crying. The next thing I heard changed my life forever. Out of the mouth of Dr. Steven Miller I hear, "Mrs. Razzano have you been bleeding"? I peeked up and SAW DR. MILLER DOING MY PAP. I WAS PISSED to say the least. I asked him 'What the HELL are you doing down there"? He replied with "I am doing your pap mam". I then told him that "I had, had NO problems with this pregnancy until he put whatever he just did into me". My mom had told me that she was on the other side of the curtain with Robbie and she peeked around to see what was going on and she said that they where pulling swabs of blood out of me. So with that said everything was done I bleed for 5 or 6 days after that pap and COULD NOT sit down for the 1st day of having it done.

Now back to coming back to FL. I had started bleeding again so before we even checked into our hotel (because we had NO place to live when we first got down here) we took a trip to the ER because of my bleeding. Well in the ER they did yet again ANOTHER pap even though I had JUST had one a couple of weeks ago and they said I had so sort of infection and to use this cream for so many days and to follow up with my OB doc if things didn't get better and set me off. That night I just cried myself to sleep. This was the start of my very VERY rocky road.

Jack-A-Do and Robbie Roo

When you put these two together in a room you either want to pull your hair out just listing to them fight or you want to grab your camera because they are being so cute together. This is Robbie's cousin Jack who by the way is only 3 months older then him. They are too stinkin cute together. Robbie misses being able to play with his Jack-A-Doas he would call him. He has been asking if we can go back to his Aunt Beck's house (my sister-in-law) so he can see his Jack-A-Do again. These two are going to be like 2 pee's in a pod when they get older!!

They discovered the magic hole

Playing soccer (look at Robbie's tong he must get that from his Aunt Hollie!!!)

Robbie's Brithday

A little late I know but it has been a mad house here between leaving for NY, getting back from NY and now trying to pack my house and get ready for Rob's winging!!!! So here are a few pics from Robbie's 3rd Birthday or should I say Burpa party as Robbie would say it. He had SUCH a blast. And if you think that this is the ONLY Burpa report that you are going to get YOUR WRONG. Robbie had a total of 3 Birthday cakes this year! Now I know you are suppose to put the amount of candles on your cake that you are going to be, but hey why not have as many cakes as as many years old you are turning too right?? Oh and by the way my frind Giselda made this cake by hand, carved it and everything!!! She did AWSOME.

Home

So I am now home and glad to be home, Kinda. I had a GREAT time while I was up in NY and I was able to really connect with one of Rob's sisters. And to be able to watch Robbie play with his cousin that is only 3 months older then him was a blast!! On the other hand it is nice to be able to be home with Rob and to be able to see my puppy dogs! I have TONS of pics that I will be sharing over the course of the next several blogs so be lookin for those!! It is good to be back and be able to share things with you guys again too!!!